Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Missing the Simple Days

It always seems like when I want to blog I never have anything blog worthy to post - Blog worthy meaning things people might actually care to read... I have all these thoughts and feelings running through me and no way of venting them out. What is one to do when feeling this way?

I'm going to try writing......

When I was little, life was so simple and carefree. Sure, there was things that went on, but I never payed attention to them. I always knew either way things would work themselves out and when ever I did feel doubt, I was always told "It would be okay" ..and I always believed it. Before I knew it, I got older; Still a bit carefree, but more aware of things. Then it all hit me, about four years ago, to be exact. I was 18 when I started to understand what life was really about. I lost my first cat, Twixy, and then my first friend a month later. All if a sudden I had to cope with losing my other half and a sudden death of a friend. To this day, I'm still not sure how I got through it. Did I become stronger or just more closed up? I tend to lean towards the second, since I've always been a very closed up person. Its my protective shield and very rarely do I ever allow anyone past it. One thing I was never told was even though you keep yourself shielded up, Love still finds a way into your heart, therefore making you care for others ...And once that happens, well, you begin to realize just how open you really are. Which is what I realized last year when two people I knew and cared for died within weeks apart. I used to live a few mins away from them. They were an elderly couple I knew for about four years. I use to run into the woman when I was walking the dog. She always stopped me to chat away about the latest gossip on things. Me being shy and careful never took the chance on a friendship this woman was trying to offer me (A huge regret now). Then one day I found out that her and her Husband were needing someone to help clean their home. Since I knew them a bit already, I decided to help. I went over a every few weeks to help my friends Cindy & Chuck. I started to open up a more towards them both and instead of me going over to help with household chores, it became more of a fun visit that I had wished would last longer; They quickly became two friends I cared dearly for. Then some things happened that caused me to move many miles away. I remember my last day with them and how kindly and lovingly they had treated me. I had promised I would come back to visit, but again, a lot of things happened that prevented that ...then I lost them both; breaking that promise I made about returning. I think as time has past, I somehow learnt how to accept these things, but they still make my heart heavy. Now I'm having to learn how to deal with more things just never ends.

I've never learnt how to leave the past where it belongs or to forgive myself for all the broken promises I made to myself and to others. Instead I bring them with me where ever I go. Only problem is, others don't understand this of me and I'm looked down upon it because of it. Maybe this is my own fault for not being more open, I don't know. Perhaps I'm being too open now as I sit here and write this. I guess I'm just missing those simple, carefree days and needing someone to say "It will be okay"...

No comments: